she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
