I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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