And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
