Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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