meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
