I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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