So drunk, too bad you don't want this
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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