I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
