Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
