My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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