I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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