I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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