I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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