I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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