hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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