I'm pants shitting drunk right now
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
