I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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