i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
