Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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