I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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