I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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