i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
