i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
