I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
