If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
