Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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