yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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