hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
