I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
