Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
