I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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