im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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