he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
