You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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