I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
