absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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