im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
