I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
