My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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