the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
