i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
