Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
