Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
