She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
