If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
