I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
