I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My ass is underappreciated
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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