no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
