Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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