And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
