the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
