i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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