I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So many bounce houses so little time
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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