eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
