I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
