My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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