I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
