There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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