I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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